you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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