I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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