If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Houston, we have a blender
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
