Well douche your snatch and let's go!
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize