I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I believe in your delicious
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
