seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
So gin and wine won't be happening again
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
