I hope mine doesn't look like that
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Randomize
