totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
