he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
