I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
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