Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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