She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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