please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
