Just look for the house with the beer knights.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
