Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Randomize
