you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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