I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
