you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize