I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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