Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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