i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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