I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
