My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
