he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
