how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
