we're chasing vodka with high fives
time to smoke my breakfast
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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