Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
