someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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