remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
