so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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