Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
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