i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
