I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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