I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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