Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
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