The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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