I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
