Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
