what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
