I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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