omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
whose parrot is this?
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
