R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
