Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
