my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
