Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Randomize
