I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
