I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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