I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
