My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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