I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
