He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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