Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm too high and old for this...
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
