She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize