He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
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