Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
