All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
You're a waste of cheezeits
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
And then he peed in my hair
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