saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
We had to coat check the pizza.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
