I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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