I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
