just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I'm really busy with my period
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