every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
