So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
