The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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